The Athletic Workout
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health
club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity in high school, I decided
it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone
named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing
model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health
club and Tanya was waiting for me.
She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me
the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little
alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers
added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very
encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it
in the whole time I was talking to her.
This is going to be GREAT.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie
on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for
heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile.
Her smile made it all worth it.
Muscles feel GREAT ..
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving
my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a
Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of
elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer.
I can't imagine anything worse.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was
half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift
dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I
hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try
the rowing machine.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history
of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with
it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps .. Well I have news for you
Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any
barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU
are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy .
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am.
I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven
straight hours of the weather channel.
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over.
Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun,
like a free upper-colon exam or gum surgery.